Here we are then, at the juncture where Tottenham Hotspur appointing an injured back-up left-back as their manager might not be their worst option.

Actually, hilarious though it sounds, it could even be their best hope of dodging relegation.

Really, just a huge well done to everyone involved in bringing us here. Especially the pair at the wheel of this particular clown car, chief executive Vinai Venkatesham and sporting director Johan Lange, both of whom seem to be operating under the incorrect assumption that the other must know what they are doing.

Between them, they have to find a manager to slam on the brakes as Spurs career towards the Championship. Igor Tudor was not that man – never was he nor did he ever look like he might be – and now, more than a week after it was clear the Croatian was done in north London, not only are Tottenham yet to identify a replacement, they don’t appear to know what type of figure they want as their next victimboss.

Someone who knows the club? Someone who knows the league – or at least how to stay in it? Someone who knows one end of a tactics board from the other?

Spurs seem to think that Roberto De Zerbi might fit two of those criteria and, apparently, they are currently begging the axed Marseille boss to save them. Which feels like something that could have been done last week, if it must be done at all.

The other option is Ben Davies. Or rather, just letting the squad manage themselves.

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Handing the lunatics the keys to the asylum sounds ludicrous, of course. Many Spurs fans might prefer this squad to be stoned in the street rather than be rewarded for their failures with almost full autonomy.

But it is perhaps the one thing Tottenham haven’t already tried.

This Spurs squad, evidently, does not like being managed. Not by Tudor; certainly not be Thomas Frank; and, towards the end, not by Ange Postecoglou.

Indeed, as the novelty of Postecoglou wore off and the exhaustion kicked in, his players seemed to take their management upon themselves when full-throttle Ange-ball appeared to all but the boss the wrong approach.

Micky van de Ven says he and Cristian Romero effectively organised Tottenhamto sit in and defend their way to Europa League glory. Their management responsibilities, we assume, did not extend to the Premier League, in which they were rank. Only the games they won.

Davies would be the figurehead as the last remaining relic of a time Tottenham were not a complete shambles and as a 100-cap international who you might tuck into bed with your sister, he could be a very presentable face of whatever it is Spurs want to portray right now.

But, let’s have it right, Davies getting the gig would be management by committee. Which could as good as any as Tottenham’s least worst option.

Of course, appointing De Zerbi mightwork. At almost any other club, you might reasonably expect a fiery Italian’s arrival to galvanise an obviously-talented-if-highly-flawed squad to claw together enough points to remain over the next seven matches the fourth-worst team in the Premier League.

De Zerbi, though, doesn’t tolerate fools, can’t abide non-conformists. And Spurs, well…

Were he to take over in the summer, as seemingly is his self-preserving preference, a demanding authoritarian to shake up and reshape an underperforming squad could be a good fit.

But more immediately, De Zerbi is not the coolest of heads in an emergency, or even amid an outbreak of mild concern. He’s a fire starter more than a fire fighter. Right now, there is a fair chance that Spurs are using petrol to put out a raging dumpster blaze.

And on what basis are we assuming he could have an immediate impact?

Tudor was binned for gathering a single point in his first five games in the Premier League. At Brighton, De Zerbi was similarly winless in his first five, collecting only one more point from the 15 available when he replaced Graham Potter mid-season in 2022.

We know this Spurs squad is not the most malleable and De Zerbi’s methods tend to require time to take effect, even with a willing and open-minded bunch of players. In the absence of both during these desperate times, perhaps it is a time for more desperate measures, and a player-led vibes-over-tactics approach.